Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
