so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
