new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You took a bar mat shot.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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