Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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