i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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