I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The chlamydia really affected his face.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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