i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
this beer tastes like vomit already
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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