I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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