New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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