my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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