And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
