Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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