Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
