took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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