It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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