apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So many bounce houses so little time
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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