So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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