I met the friendliest cop last night
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
