The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
