your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
