I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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