I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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