I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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