I wish I could punch you in the face.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
