How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
