What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
