I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
