i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
