I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
organizing the empties. That sober.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
