I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Farmville is her only friend.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
