I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
