Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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