The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
