I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
