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Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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