i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So squirting runs in the family.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
