my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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