I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
