when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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