No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize