Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
time to smoke my breakfast
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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