took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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