Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
