I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
