whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
As shirtless as possible
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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