Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Who died my cat blue again?
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