If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
