her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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