five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
