whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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