so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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