did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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