I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
