You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
