i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
